Wednesday; February 10

Have you ever had someone come up to you and complain about something one of your friends said or did to them? It could be another friend or a complete stranger, but it is pretty common for people of integrity to be told about something that one of their friends did that was offensive. When I find myself in this situation, my first inclination is to defend my friend – either to agree with what they said or affirm the action they took. Yet, there are times when, like me, my friends don’t do or say the right things, then what? We’ll the first thing we must understand is that we cannot defend inappropriate speech or bad actions. While friendship should transcend good and bad times, blindly defending something that is wrong perpetuates the wrong and can foster an environment that regularly blurs the line between good and evil. On the other hand, it would not in the best interest of our friendship to belittle our friend to the accuser. It isn’t out of the realm of possibility that the third person might be trying to stir up bad blood between us and our friends. Even if they are legitimately concerned, selling out of a friend without discussing the incident with them just isn’t right.
So, what should we do? The first thing we need to do is to listen to the concern and validate their feelings. Often phrases like, “I can understand how an action like that could make you upset.” or “Wow, I can see how that might have made you feel uncomfortable.” can leave the door open without pre-judging what the other person did before getting the facts. Now, here comes the most practical point – encourage them to go back to the person who offended them and work it out. We cannot fix, defend or excuse the actions of others – that is their responsibility and the only people who can work things out are them. Sure, we can serve as a mediator if they ask, but we must be careful not to be a “go-between” who takes on the task of healing the hurt. Honestly, we can’t do it in the first place and beyond that, meddling in someone else’s affairs is a good way to lose a friendship.
Let’s help promote peace, but make sure we only do what we can do.

Think About It!

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